Wow. You’ve held up a mirror and I see myself in your ex. I’ve long been aware of my narcissism, since my early twenties (about to turn 39, presently). The arguments, excuses, and gaslighting that he did, I am painfully aware of doing the same. I am so sorry that he was successful at doing the harm that he did to you.

I guess you could say I’m a recovering narcissist. I’ve had to learn how to listen. I always thought I was a good listener and genuinely cared about other’s troubles, but I’ve realized that was all to reinforce that “nice guy” narrative, just like him. I’ve had to learn to put my “victimhood” aside and actually listen to needs of my wife. We’ve been together for over 15 years now, married for the past 10 of those. I’ve only just begun to understand this about myself in the past couple of years. We can be quite thick-skulled can’t we?

It’s incredibly difficult to take that hard, honest look in the mirror, but it’s so necessary to grow as a human being, to actually be a human being that can truly care. For myself, I so desperately wanted that narrative to be true. I believed it. However, once I confronted myself I saw that I was not who I thought I was. I’m now working to become that person I always believed myself to be. It’ll probably take more time to do so than the life I have left to live, but I’m gonna try nonetheless.

I hope for his sake that he finds a mirror and takes the time to actually look at himself. I hope for your sake that you can heal from this. I know both are possible. It’s not easy. It’s in fact one of the most difficult things to do. Take it from a recovering narcissist… for whatever that’s worth.