Wow, I’m so sorry. I have so many words and platitudes, but they all feel trite in the presence of the authentic pain that you’ve just expressed. My heart aches for you. I know it what it feels like because I’ve done it too.

That four letter “r” word could rightfully describe what I did. I felt terrible afterwards and openly admitted to my partner that I felt like I had done that to her. She agreed but was compassionate enough to listen to my bullshit excuses. That was before we got married and here we are 10 years later, still married.

Forgiveness is tricky, especially self-forgiveness. Did I learn from that experience? A million things and nothing. Was it the last time I was physically abusive, certainly yes it was. I can’t say my other behaviors haven’t been otherwise emotionally abusive though. Here we are, 10 years married, and I’m still learning. Still not trying to cause harm to her or myself, and yet still occasionally doing so.

Despite having said so much already, I don’t know what to say. There’s nothing to be said, other than “I know it hurts”. Please accept these paltry words as substitute for the hug and silent witness that I wish I could give you.