While I certainly believe in that particular platitude, you’re absolutely correct that it is inaccurate and not very useful to say to someone in the thick of suffering. It’s one of those things that you have to realize for yourself, and until that happens no amount of lambasting someone with it will change them.

They have to change themselves.

Your observations and steps are spot on. From the perspective of the “helper”, rather than telling someone that they create their own suffering, why not show them grace and validation? How else are they to learn how to do it themselves if no one has ever shown them? Ease the resistance in their minds by letting them know they’re not crazy. Give them space to feel it all.

I remember my first salient “aha!” moment that reduced my suffering. It was an instance of unrequited love. But I realized that I was more in love with the idea of me helping her than I was with loving her as she was. I was able to let go then and felt immediate relief. Her problems were hers, not mine.

Oh! Weird poly hippy guy here! Emotional responsibility is paramount, which is why I’d rather go dateless than mess with someone’s emotions. And typically I do go dateless. No time for games or lies.