The thing that I’ve struggled with the most is emotional communication. I was taught to hide and not express my emotions. To be “strong”. There is a time and place for that Stoic attitude for sure, for instance during a crisis where decisive action needs to be taken. But it is not a healthy lifestyle habit. We need to be in touch with all parts of ourselves to be complete human beings, and we suffer with despair when we neglect parts seen as “effeminate” or “weak”.

I’m highly introspective and have taken that same stoic strength that I was taught to bravely explore my emotions and values. It’s been a lot of work. There have been parts of me that I don’t want to face. For instance, I’ve been happily married for 10 years now, but I know a spark has been missing in my passion. So I finally got the nerve to ask my wife if she’s okay with an open relationship. I want to have sex with other women.

That’s not toxic masculinity, it’s biology. I’ve repressed that urge for decades trying to be a good friend, boy friend, and husband. Now here I am, almost 40 and that little flame has gone out because I neglected it, and that lack of passion and motivation has had a major impact on other areas of my life.

All that being said… Gender roles can have harmful effects when we try to fit squares (our nature, in its entire masculine AND feminine whole) into round holes (societal norms and expectations). Not just gender, but race, ethnicity, sexuality, or even just hobbies and interests, this is true for all societal expectations.

Be true to your nature, whatever that may be. It takes work, experimenting, and failure as well as success, pain as well as pleasure, to figure that out for yourself. That’s what we should be teaching boys and girls.