Thank you for sharing! I remember having to put up those very same defenses even when I was active in the church as a teenager. The paradox was not lost on me as a straight edge teen on a mission trip with Alice In Chains’ “Junkhead” stuck on a loop in my head. It was quite freeing to finally admit in my twenties that I was no longer Christian, even though it took another decade to admit that to my family. I’d like to say it gets easier. In some ways it does. Only by finding your own spiritual footing do those feelings of judgement and pain ease a little. I’ve come back around to Jesus’s teachings, but only after a lot of study of other paths. I’m still not Christian, but I can finally forgive and love unconditionally. Music is a wonderful tool to realizing who you are. I’ve quoted this line from Slipknot’s “Sulfur” in other responses, but only because it’s so good; “You don’t always know where stand until you know that you won’t run away”. Know that you are blessed and whole exactly as you are =)