Are humans involved? Then it will be confusing! Your experience sounds horrific. You have every right to feel as you do. I no longer claim Christianity myself, because people like those you’ve encountered exist and questioning of doctrine is met with such disdain. I find questioning has bolstered my faith, but my faith looks different than that of others.

I’m not going to proselytize. This your journey. Find what works for you. But if you’re a seeker like me, my advice is to lean into the confusion and paradox. At some point your thinking brain will give up trying to make sense of things, and that will allow your feeling brain the space to speak up. There are many lessons the feeling brain tries to teach us, “trust” being the most difficult, I’ve found.

Meditate on trusting. Find where you are distrusting and ask yourself why. It’s a difficult process, but one I’ve found rewarding. But then again, that’s my journey. You will find your path. You’re actually already on it!